


Silly EGS One-Shots

by Zee_McZed



Category: El Goonish Shive
Genre: Drabbles, Fluff, Humor, Multi, Or slightly longer drabbles, Shipping Fuel, Sissy slap fights, depends on the chapter, dorks being dorks, silliness, unrelated one-shots
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-11-29
Updated: 2017-04-13
Packaged: 2018-05-04 00:28:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 7,410
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5312912
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zee_McZed/pseuds/Zee_McZed
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A series of one-shots, drabbles, and miscellaneous fun in the El Goonish Shive-verse. Now 50% less one-shotty with several intertwined chapters and plots updated at random!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. VHS (Canon Timeline)

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: What you see is what you get. The following series is a bunch of possibly-related, possibly-not one-shots set in either the 'proper' EGS timeline or alternate universes. The chapter titles will include which of the two applies. As always, I do not profit by posting this anywhere. El Goonish Shive is the brainchild of Dan Shive and is a frickin' awesome comic. If you haven't read it yet, you should. I have no contact with Dan Shive, and if anything pops up in the comic that is similar to any fic I write after the fact, it is surely coincidence and nothing else. This `fic is rated PG-13 for transformation shenanigans, suggestive material, occasional slapstic violence, and sparse language. Any one-shots I write that go past the PG-13 level will be posted as a separate fic. 
> 
> Disclaimer over! Enjoy the silly!

"I do think it's kind of cool." Elliot thumbed through the rack of black cassettes, squinting to read the faded labels.

"Cool in the hipster, inefficient-for-inefficiency's-sake way, or cool in the crazy-uncle-who-refuses-to-throw-anything-out way?" Susan mumbled, doing much the same as she wheeled out one of the racks from the wall - another, identical to it, was right behind it.

"Come on! There have to be some great movies in here that haven't gotten a DVD release." He picked one up that wasn't labeled, trying to see if it was a home movie of some sort. Probably not. Why would his home movies be in the back of the shop?

"Elliot, think about it. Tensaided's shop has survived because he keeps up with trends. He liquidated his VHS stock when VHS was still, technically, a viable format."

"...meaning...?"

"This is the bottom of the barrel. Everything that could never be sold is under this storage room's roof... such as eight dozen copies of Spacehunter: Adventures in the Forbidden Zone." 

"That's gotta be an exaggeration." Elliot leaned closer, over her shoulder, as she plucked through the rack. One by one.

"Spacehunter. Spacehunter. Spacehunter. Spacehunter en espanol..." It was hard to keep her voice perfectly deadpan like that. On the other hand, Susan had been doing that for years. If anyone was a mistress of Deadpan-Fu, she was.

"Or not?"

"I think they breed in these back rooms. It's also where you get the inexplicable horror films like "I Was a Teenage Cannibal V" from."

"And now we're at the part where you're putting me on, right?" 

"Third shelf down on that rack. Next to the back, second column." Susan's smile widened the most imperceptible trace as Elliot squinted, unable to decipher her deadpan. "I'm starting to think that you were right, just in the wrong way. Some of these titles are hysterical."

"I know, right? Canadian-American Ninja?"

"Hamster Vice? Pre-teen Dirty Gene Kung Fu Kangaroos?"

"Kelvin Mace? Space Beaver: Adventures in the Nature Zone?"

"Ga..." She trailed off. "Gamma Infused Wrestlers from Beyond The Moon! Found it!" 

"He was right? It wasn't just a dream he had after too much cheap pizza?"

"Never underestimate a geek's connection to his inventory, I suppose. Let's go."

"Should I bring Space Beaver with me? We could tear it apart for the show."

"...do you really want to worry about how to connect a VHS player to the computer?" Elliot considered it for another tenth of a second before setting the tape back where it had come from.


	2. 1 AM. (Canon timeline)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Our second of who-knows how many drabbles! ENJOY! Or don't!

The light clicked on on the stairway. He wasn't in his bed. Neither was Grace. And while he didn't think they were doing that (despite the possibility to the contrary) he did have his duty as a father to make sure all was well. 

A glance down, and he confirmed that they were alright. Tedd was sprawled over the arm of the couch. Grace was curled over his lap - and over the lap of Sarah, who was asleep in a sitting position, half-leaning into both of them. A fleece blanket had attempted to serve as a cover, but it had fallen off some time ago. 

He thought about waking them, but - what was the harm, really? Sarah's parents probably knew where she was - she was a fairly responsible young woman - and it wasn't as if they were in a compromising position. Just slightly awkward. Like a pile of puppies. 

He turned to walk back upstairs, and paused a second, just to look at his son. He looked... happy. Content. As if nothing in the world could pierce the shell of pleasant dreams he was having. A hypothesis that the older man saw no reason to test. The lights went out. He walked back to his room. And all was silent in the Verres household for four hours and seventeen minutes.


	3. Of Sisters (Slight AU)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter can't fit neatly into canon (yet), so consider it a subtle AU. In other news, if you're reading this and you like what's been done so far, feel free to leave suggestions for future drabbles in the comments!

Ellen was pacing outside the basement in a manner that most would associate with an expectant father. Even Nanase's arrival did nothing to break her tempo. 

"How are they?"

"I haven't had the guts to poke my head in again. I mean, on the one hand, yeah, they're totally sisters. On the other, just - just look at `em!"

"What do you mean?" She leaned against the wall as Ellen groaned. 

"Susan's an aromantic ultra-feminist, and Diane's - DIANE." 

"Point." Nanase grimaced. "But we can't wonder ALL day, can we?"

"You're not going to-"

"I'm going to." She cracked the door open, and poked her head in. Ellen followed suit. And - perhaps unsurprisingly - the scene was not a tender couchtop reconciliation and reconnection. Rather, both girls had one knee on the couch, as if they had both sprang up halfway and not quite gotten there, and were embroiled in a sissy slap fight of epic proportions.

"SHERIDAN IS BETTER THAN SISKO ANY DAY OF THE WEEK!"

"BLASPHEMER!"

The door closed, just as quietly as it had opened. Nanase stared at the largely-featureless wood a second.

"I think they'll be fine."


	4. A Ponderance (Canonish timeline)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tedd wonders something. Sarah puts in her two cents. Drabbling.

Tedd squinted at the computer screen. "...The brain is a wonderful and completely bizarre thing."

"What's going on this time?" Sarah didn't look up from her sketchpad. 

"I'm trying to figure out exactly how it works when you get wings."

"...za?"

"Like, how it controls them. There isn't a firm analogue in the human body, but whenever anyone gets a fairy form or a guardian form or anything with wings, there's no... hesitation. There's no 'oh hey what muscles do I work'. It just works."

"...magic. Yo." Sarah smirked behind the pad of paper.

"Yeah, but if it's magic, then will it work with a form that you get from the TF gun?"

"TF gun's magic. It's SCIENCEY magic, but it's magic, right?"

"Are you trying to invoke the Mystery Science Theater motto on me?" He turned in his chair, smirking. She nodded, finally putting the pad down.

"I've found it kinda helps. I mean, you can analyze this stuff to the billionth degree, and you find out a lot - but at the same time, when you're actually using magic? Instinct trumps knowledge a LOT of the time."

"...wait, since when do you-"

"Secondhand knowledge." Tedd did not reply for a few long seconds.

"Uh... huh."

"Don't you give me that suspicious look, mister."

"I cannot be held accountable for what my face does when you make comments like that."


	5. Hard drive (Canonish timeline)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Midnight, and Tedd's still at the computer. Drabbling. Continuation of the previous chapter.

"Are you STILL looking at wings? Tedd, it's almost midnight." Grace yawned, almost melodramatically, as she sidled up to him. "C'mon."

"Huh? No - I was just... uh..." He coughed. 

"What? Tedd Verres, are you looking at-"

"No!" 

"Really? Dang. I was hoping you'd found something interesting." Tedd's cheeks reddened as he leaned back in his chair. 

"I said I'd share if I found any more TF stuff that gives me ideas, okay? This isn't any of that."

"Sooooo..."

"I was just going through my old files." He gestured to the screen. "Several hundred unfinished game mods, two novels - abandoned after the second chapter - nine programming projects, all of which were mostly finished but buggy as crap..."

"Okay." Grace tilted her head to one side. "So... why?" 

"Just... kind of trying to put together where my head was when I did all that." He frowned a little. "You ever get the idea that you wouldn't like the you that you used to be if you met in a dark alley?"

"Nope. I'm pretty okay with who I am, thanks." She squeezed his shoulder. "And you should be nicer to yourself."

"I know, I know... just... some of this stuff was seriously obnoxious."

"You were in high school. That's kind of a get-out-of-jail-free card for a lot of obnoxiousness." Grace kissed his forehead. He gave her a sidelong hug.

"...so... bed?"

"Bed. Now. And if you're going to get all broody over stupid remnants of the past, I'm going to delete those files myself! Now march!" 

"Yes'm!" He snickered as he headed upstairs - and Grace took one last look at the screen. Glancing up to make sure that Tedd wasn't looking, she tapped 'view', and clicked on 'Show Hidden Files and Folders'. Two more clicks, and her eyes widened. 

Nostalgia and brooding, her patoot. That stash had to be half his damn hard drive!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another bit of drabble - hoping that you're all liking this. Once again, I am taking any and all requests for this series, so feel free to lob some in my direction!


	6. Three Short Shorts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Microficlets! These are all taken from Prompt Set 736 from alloftheprompts.tumblr.com. I'll be doing more of these until I get more ideas or people start sending in suggestions.

1\. "It's someone else's car."

They hung there, upside down. Cranium drummed her fingers on the seat belt holding her in place. 

"Well, that's good. I mean, if it was yours..."

"Yeah, explaining this to my insurance agent would be a nightmare." Wolf muttered. He pulled out a Snickers bar from his suit pocket and unwrapped the end, taking a bite. The car swayed a little bit; it did not move otherwise. 

"Whose... car is it?"

"Oh. Uh. You know Rudy?"

"R-rudy from the mail room?"

"Yeah."

"Isn't he legally blind?"

"He is." Another bite. 

"So how... does he drive at all?" She closed her eyes. He shrugged.

"As far as I know, this hasn't left his driveway in years. I didn't ask questions."

"...has it been ten minutes yet?"

"More like... four and a half. Ish." He glanced at his watch, and her head thumped against the seat rest. The 'rescue' could not come soon enough. 

\--

2\. "I need tea." 

Sarah stared at her drawers. Empty. Empty. Empty. Not empty, but nothing she wanted to wear any time soon. The closet wasn't much better. She was down to a few outfits, and most of them were formal.

And then she found it. 

The suit she'd picked up last week. It kind of required a V5+ figure to wear it, though - ample in the chest and - wait, she had a bra that'd fit with that too, and - where was tea when you needed it?

\--

3\. "It's distracted."

"Go, go, GO!" Her feet were a blur, and yet silent as the breeze. She was down the hallway.

Down the stairs. 

The door closed behind her. 

She leapt over the banister, and landed on the couch. And - 

"We made it?" Susan looked up at Tedd.

"I guess we di-"

"MREOWR!" Jeremy jumped out from under his feet, landing on Susan's lap, and curled into place. She groaned.

"...this is the last time I assume a mere catnip high is enough to distract you."

"Mrowr."


	7. Why Tiffany Is So Dang Happy (AF04verse)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything in an AU has a divergence point. Today, we find out why Tiffany - Susan's cheerful doppleganger from the AF04 timeline - is so damn perky!

ZAP. Tiffany straightened up, checking herself in the mirror. "I think we can call this one a success, Tess!" She spun around slowly. Taller, more muscular - her blonde locks had gone all wavy and full, and while she was sure it was just HER and not the effects of the transformation, she felt a little more confident. Not that she had anything to feel less than confident about - it was just her friends around. 

Sarah scribbled wildly on a sketchpad, trying to capture her new form neatly. Tess, meanwhile, leaned back from the TF ray's control panel, goggles now perched atop her head, checking her progress for herself, and Grace had gone to get food. Tess threw a thumbs up.

"I'll save that one in a watch. Thanks again for the guinea pig work."

"Aw, no sweat! I love helping with your projects, and it gives Sarah the chance to draw new body types. Er... new-ish, anyway." 

"LESS MOVING MORE FREEZING!" 

"Right, right!" Tiff stopped breathing. Sarah's pen scratched at the paper a few seconds, and -

"Okay. You're good." 

"Sweet!" And in the next second, Tess and Tiffany were next to Sarah. "So what does it look li-" She stopped short. Tess coughed. 

"Yeah, that... that looks like you."

"But you only did me from the neck down!" Tiffany pouted. Sarah just rolled her eyes.

"That's because I can draw your FACE in my sleep. Big eyes, constant smile... seriously, how are you happy all the time?" Tess winced. 

"You had to ask!"

"What?"

"You really had to ask!" Tess covered her eyes, as Tiffany pulled up her shirt, exposing a deep, puckered scar that ran right up the center of her chest. 

"See, THIS is why." 

"...suddenly, your taste in swimsuits makes more sense. So what happened?"

"Wellll... you remember the thing in Paris that I don't like talking about?"

"Duh." She'd also told her that it was something she didn't like talking about in front of certain people, or in public - there had always been an excuse.

"Yeah. Kinda got recruited to kill a vampire by a bunch of immortals-"

"WHAT." Sarah was on her feet with a CLUNK of heavy boots. Tess was pointedly looking the other way.

"-it's a long story! And, uh, that's also where the hammers come from. Same thing. But I wasn't really fast enough when we got to him, and I got a hand through me." She let the shirt drop. "I still GOT him while he was pulling the hand out, but - right then and there, all I could think about was that I had nearly died. And if I hadn't done something, he would have gotten Nanase too, and.." She sat down.

"So, blind panic leading to introspection. I wouldn't expect that to result in mega-happy 24/7." 

"Can I look now?" Tess squeaked. 

"Yeah, it's covered up! I don't know why you're so squeamish about it. It's just scar tissue."

"It's also where it IS..."

"Oh. Well, you c-never mind! The point is, I had been in a really bad place mentally for a couple years. My dad had cheated on my mom and I'd walked in on it, my mom was... well, you've met her."

"She's a bitch." Sarah and Tess both said in unison.

"Language! Anyway, this could have been the capper on the Tiffany Super Depressio Sundae, but instead I found rock bottom and pushed off HARD. Because... everything else was small potatoes when life was so short. I started looking for the best in life, and - and there it was! Everywhere! The trash on the roadside didn't stop the wildflowers from growing!" Sarah squinted.

"That is arguably the most forced metaphor I've heard in a long while."

"I never claimed I was a poet."

"And then you started listening to Andrew W.K..." Tess mumbled.

"And then I started listening to Andrew W.K.! And-"

"And the rest is history. Come on, Pinkie. Let's see if we can find out where Grace went."

"Oh. Uh - should I, like this?"

"Yeah. With guns like that, no one's gonna recognize you anyway."


	8. Heinous Villainy (AF04verse)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More short shenanigans from the expanded AF04verse! Why? Because you're not the boss of me.

"BWAAAAHAHAHA! Tremble in fear, mortals, for none shall stand in the way of the will of DOOM." The shortish Asian girl sat back down, tenting her fingertips, and the purple-haired boy across from her gave her an incredulous look.

"You convinced your parents to let you stay out late tonight." A second passed. "On a Friday. That's... less 'will of Doom' and more 'you can expect that from half the students here'." 

"I did it via cunning manipulation. Never underestimate the efficacy of evil." Her Saturday morning cartoon tone did not fade as she settled back in. 

"All - all you did was make sure you were talking to your dad, and put on your cutesy tone!"

"That is all I needed to do. The plans of DOOM are subtle." 

"You're not Doctor Doom."

"The title is not taken by anyone in this universe. I see no reason I should not claim it." She stuck her tongue out, and the boy across from her collapsed, his head thumping on the table.

"Ashley... you know my situation."

"Very well." The opposite-gender clone of one of her best friends, who was legally Tess' brother. 

"You know that if anyone out here has cause to refer to our reality as a comic book, it's me."

"Indeed."

"Life is not a comic book!" 

"Not if you choose not to make it so." She maintained her 'diabolical' smile, and Tedd just groaned. 

"How do you and Tiffany get along, anyway?"

"A firm desire to improve the universe." Ashley rose from her seat; Tedd followed.

"I'm sorry, I - I thought you were a villain."

"I am. Superheroes are the agents of the status quo. They fly around and smash the desperate and wanting, throwing them into jails, then demand accolades from the populace. They are the force that keeps things the same. It is the villains who act as the catalyst for change." Tedd's eyes narrowed. His hands came up, claws lifting from below, and his jaw worked around in a way that suggested he was trying to speak. He had no words at first. When he did come up with them, they weren't what he expected. 

"Remind me never to take a psychology class with you."

"Doom has no need of the soft sciences."


	9. Coincidence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Universe i^6e-1  
> ANALYSIS: Universal barriers stronger. Magic present, but harder to access and weaker. Uryoms have not come to earth.

"You seem happy." Ellen nudged her brother's shoulder. He nodded a little. 

"You cooould say that..."

"Oh, don't play the transparently-coy game with me, mister. You SUCK at it." The brutal honesty brought him down just a hair. 

"Sooo... maybe I have the beginnings of a date laid out?" Ellen's eyebrows popped up.

"Wait, WHAT."

"Well, there's this blogger I've been talking to-"

"Internet dating isn't dating!" Ellen stuck her tongue out.

"She's from HERE."

"...za?"

"Yeah. She's pretty private, but we've... kind of hit it off? I asked her out last week... she said she'd think about it, but added a winky face afterwards, and I don't think it was a sarcastic winky face."

"Those can sneak up on you." Ellen nodded sagely.

"Sometimes. I think she was being serious, though. Really."

"...she tell you when she'd make up her mind?"

"This afternoon." He glanced down at his phone. No messages.

"Kaaaay... so does this mystery blogger have a name?"

"I've talked about her before. She does that one that analyzes old sci fi, and talks about the weird ways that writers play with or abuse gender roles?" 

"...wait, you mean Tess La-"

"Yeah!" 

"...knock `er dead." She thumped his shoulder. "I... gotta go. Gotta do the therabuddy thing. Uh - tell me how it goes!" And off she bolted. Elliot blinked. 

"Well. That wasn't ominous at all."

\--

"...going back to two Ativan a day if I can swing it." Grace seemed pretty chipper about that. Ellen just grinned. 

"As long as the doc doesn't change your prescription until you know you can handle it... but yeah, it sounds promising."

"I've been doing two - sometimes one - lately." True, the panic attacks had been hitting her less frequently. It was a thing to celebrate. Susan just shrugged a little. 

"A sensible adjustment."

"How long did it take you to get over... you know..." Grace waved her hand vaguely.

"I didn't have panic spells. I just dissociated from everything for days at a time. Your brain freaks out - irrationally - because of what happened to you. Mine decides it hates itself and it wants to pull back from the world." Her arms folded behind her. She squeezed her wrist... very hard. "It took a year to get past the worst of it. With therapy, of course... but everyone handles these things differently."

"Yeah... yeah." Grace squeezed Susan in a sidelong hug. The taller girl went stiff for a second, but didn't freeze up the way she did when other people touched her. It was Grace. She was getting used to it. She just reached up and patted her head. Ellen suppressed a giggle, fighting the urge to pile on and turn it into a group hug, until Susan spoke again.

"So where IS everyone, anyway? Normally you'd see Sarah doodling out in the quad, or..."

"Got me. I only know where Tedd and Elliot are."

"...oh?"

"Well, Elliot is asking a certain gender-focused sci fi blogger out, so he's at home in our room. And so by extension-"

"He's asking Tedd out?!" Grace's eyes were wide, her grin bright enough to serve as a searchlight. Ellen nodded.

"I don't think he knows, but..."

"Eh, he's got the hots for Tedd anyway. It'll be a happy surprise." Susan didn't seem shocked. 

"...he does?" Grace's head craned back.

"Just watch how his eyes get big whenever Tedd walks in the - Grace, do you think you can let go? My arms are falling asleep."

"Got it!"

==

_LaGrangePoint >I'm pretty nervous about this. I've never met any of my blog's followers IRL... but yeah, you seem like a really great guy, and... I'd like to meet you._

Elliot threw up a victorious fist. 

_IJustWannaFly >Cool! So do you want to meet at the mall or something? _

There was a brief pause.

_LaGrangePoint >Salty Crackers, maybe? I'm friends with the guys that run it, and they won't judge._

_IJustWannaFly >Judge?_

The question was knee-jerk. Automatic. Also, wait - she was friends with Justin and Grace?

_LaGrangePoint >Okay, so - I'm intersex. And a little in the closet about that, because of my dad. Most of the time I present as a guy in meatspace... but if I'm meeting a guy I really like, I'd like to present as a girl._

_IJustWannaFly >Intersex? I hate to keep throwing out one word questions here..._ The response took several seconds.

_LaGrangePoint >Well, keep this quiet but... physically I'm kind of between guy and girl. Mentally I feel like one more than another some days... it's a long story, and most people think I'm just a really girly, kinda pervy guy. I don't like talking about my body's weird bits._

Wait a minute. The gears clicked over in his head, and Elliot's eyes went wide. He was... and...

_IJustWannaFly >That's fair. I'll see you there in a while, then?_

_LaGrangePoint >Yeah. What'll you be wearing?_

_IJustWannaFly >Black long-sleeved shirt and jeans. I'll be in the back._

_LaGrangePoint >Alright! See you soon! :) _

==

"Why Warhammer?" Grace's head tilted to the side as Justin pulled the boxes out, shuffling a few behind the counter - his personal order.

"The new rules are pretty smooth, and you don't need to buy codexes anymore. Plus, Orks are fun." He thrust his lower jaw out, teeth past his lip. "`Cuz we's made for fightin', an' winnin'!"

Grace snickered. "So is there any tabletop game out there that ISN'T just blowing stuff up?"

"You could try Robot Rally. Or-" The door chimed. Both parties fell silent. She was wearing a cute, pleated skirt, a white tank top, and a blouse worn open. Knee-high socks and buckle shoes. She looked ADORABLE.  
She was also someone that neither was used to thinking of as a 'she'.  
Justin's reaction was muted. A nod at the regular. "Hey."

"Uh... hey." Grace was staring. And smiling. Well, that was good...ish. "Is, uh - is anyone in back?"

"Yeah. Why do you ask?"

"Just, uh-" Grace rushed forward, hands darting to her shoulders.

"You look super-cute. Just relax, okay?"

"Uh-"

"I mean it. It's going to be great." Grace gave her one of her patented super-squishy hugs, then darted back behind the counter. She nodded - coughed - and as quietly as she could, slipped away. Grace vibrated in place - and then popped an Ativan.

"You gonna be okay?" Justin mumbled.

"Yeah. Yeah. I just need to relax."

-=-

She froze in the doorway. Normally there would be some wargamers there, or overflow from the magic players, or that one guy who built Gundam models there - but nope. There was a grand total of one person in the back room. Smiling up at her from his seat. For a few seconds, neither could think of what to say. Elliot broke the silence.

"Tess, right?"

-0-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...To be continued once I can figure out how this will go. Because I'm evil that way. Happier with the concept than the execution on this chapter, but I wanted to get it up anyhow.


	10. Coincidence, pt 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Continuing on from the last chapter.

“...Tess. Yeah.” She rubbed her arm. Elliot patted the seat next to him.

“Take a load off. Let’s… let’s talk.”

“Right.” There was never really silence in Salty Crackers, but there was, relatively, quiet. “I’m… I’m sorry.”

“For what?” Elliot tilted his head to the side, clearly not seeing why.

“For keeping all...” Tess gestured down at herself. “THIS to myself.”

“You were nervous about other people knowing. I mean, I get that. The, uh… the gender orientation thing, anyway.” Elliot scratched at the back of his head, and it was Tess’ turn to look confused. 

“How so?”

“Well, I mean, you’re physically intersex, but – you could have been intersex, but male.”

“...really not getting-”

“Gender identity doesn’t need to follow physical sex.” He prodded. 

“Well… yeah, but… but I’m not trans.” She mumbled. 

“Uh… there’s… kind of a whole spectrum out there. You – you really didn’t know?”

“N… no. How – why do you...”

“It’s complicated. But, uh… I’m not especially rooted in my gender. And Ellen…”

“Well, she’s Ellen.” Tess finished. 

“Right.”

“You’re not shocked.” Her face started to brighten a little. “...was it really that obvious it was me?”

“Once you talked about being ‘a kind of pervy, girly guy...’”

“Yeah, that’s a bit of a giveaway, isn’t it?” Tess smirked. Elliot punched her shoulder gently. She leaned into him. “Okay, this… isn’t weird then.”

“It’s downright bizarre.” Elliot corrected. “But… c’mon. I have a long-lost transgendered twin that was raised by my aunt. Our best friends are in therapy together for killing a cult leader and a serial killer, respectively. I’m a black belt in a martial art that technically doesn’t exist-”

“It’s just movie kung fu, isn’t it?”

“And you work on government encryption as a weekend job!” Elliot finished, barely registering the knee-jerk reaction to his martial art’s status. 

“...fair.” Tess closed her eyes. She squeezed his knee. “I guess this gets a lot of awkward first date bull out of the way. Uh… but...” She swallowed hard. “You’re okay with having a boyfriend?”

“Uh… well, yeah.” He scratched at the back of his head. “You didn’t exactly say what it’s… uh… what...”

“Mostly guy. I, uh… I don't technically have testes. But I still have a…” She glanced down. “Yeah.” It was hard for her to talk about. 

“...okay. So, uh...” 

“So.” Tess let out a sharp breath. She was okay with this. She was going to be a mess when she got home, but – Elliot, really?!

“So now I get to feel weird about not realizing you were LaGrange.” Ah, a good jumping off point if ever there was one.

“Why? I didn’t want anyone to know.”

“But it should have been obvious in retrospect. You blogged a ton about DS9 when Susan and I were doing the series.”

“Coincidence.” She shrugged. 

“Still. You write the way you talk. I mean, uh… I guess that was why I started to get comfortable with you online.”

“...yeah?” She scooted closer. 

“Yeah. I mean, talking to you online felt… real. Like talking in person. I never felt that kind of… closeness over the internet before, and I didn’t really piece together that was why until a while ago.”

“I guess that tracks. The whole time we were flirting, I could kind of imagine IJustWannaFly as someone like you. Tall, muscular, kinda hunky. The kind of guy who could just wrap your arms around you and-” Tess’ mouth slammed shut.

“And?”

“And I could get really X-rated really quick.” Her face was incredibly red. It was a cover. He knew it. The cover still made him blush, too. 

“...so that’s what you think of when you think of me?” He didn’t think she could look any more embarrassed, but she did.

“I – y – come on, man! I’m trying to back away gracefully.” She crossed her arms in a huff. He shook his head, wrapping an arm around her shoulders. 

“I just want to know. I mean, it’s not like you could say anything that’ll scare me away.” She looked up at him, considering that.

“...you have kind of seen the freakiest I have to offer.”

“If I didn’t bolt after Freshman year, I don’t think I’m going to.” He’d always been there. Protecting Tess, keeping an eye over her… him. Whichever. And he liked her. Like… that. 

“Sooo… if I was to suggest that we lock the door?” Tess’ eyebrows waggled.

“Then I’d know that you were trying to bait me.”

“Damn straight. I’d still do it if you were interested.”

“I’m interested, but I know that the crowd will be trying to jimmy the lock the second we try it. Murphy’s Law.”

“...you’d make out with me in the back of Salty Crackers.” Tess blinked a few times, as if trying to clear away the cobwebs.

“Uh… well, yeah.”

“...this is the first hopeful glimmer of perversity I’ve see out of you, and I need to see more.”

“Hey!” 

-o-

LaGrange Points  
 _Sci-Fi, Bechedel, and why Kirk is Awesome – A Blog, Updated Randomly_

**So This Is Me…**

I don’t talk about myself a lot on this blog. I mean, I do, but it’s all tangential – about my views, my thoughts on sci-fi and hard science and transhumanism and the like, but I don’t really talk about me. There’s a reason for that. 

For a long time, I didn’t really like myself.

I have a lot of biological quirks. I have some irritating little traumas in my past that I don’t like to address openly. And for a long time that manifested as an irritating form of self-loathing that took me ages to get over. Even now, I tend to fudge over personal issues a lot of the time.

It’s probably time I stopped doing that a lot more.

So here’s the short version. My name is Tess, or Tedd. I’ll answer to either. I’m genderfluid, AMAB, and somewhere on the intersex spectrum physically (don't ask) I’m not picky about pronouns, though generally I’d like it if you match `em to how I’m presenting at the moment. If you can’t see me, eh. Whichever. 

I like Star Trek. I like programming. I have an awesome boyfriend. I like being kind of girly, whichever gender I’m presenting as.

And the more I write this, the more I realize you probably don’t care, because it doesn’t affect how I feel about the episode with Kirk and the Gorn.

Stay tuned. I have more fun stuff coming up around the corner.


	11. Another Year Begins (AU)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> WELL NOW! This started out as just a one shot, and I ended up overthinking it until it stretched into its own timeline. Expect some of this to be in Silly, some to be in its sister fic, and hints at just how this timeline converged to be forthcoming.
> 
> Hint: Two events in the canon timeline were altered. Every other change spun off of that. 
> 
> Props to Cuddly, who convinced me this was worth posting.

Susan examined herself in the mirror. "Not really stretching. More like _squashing_."

"Er... right." Tedd was glancing away, red in the cheeks. She wasn't sure why. It wasn't like the transformation had caused her to shed any clothing. Maybe just from the drinks. It was new year's, well after midnight. The rest of the party had sort of disbanded - Grace and Nanase were probably back at the dorms, either doing 'the usual' or sleeping. Sarah and Ellen had to be up still, but - well, when Ellen said 'sexy plans', you didn't second guess things. And while she wouldn't put it past Elliot and his new girlfriend to be doing that, they'd both overdrank. If they weren't both passed out, she'd be shocked.

They were right, though. Diane did look a lot like her. Freakishly so. Tedd coughed. "So, um-"

"Hm?"

"Are you just going to stay shrunk?"

"For a little while. Why? You're hardly one to talk when discussing length of time spent transformed." She gestured down to Tedd's presently-female, presently-feline form. Tedd squirmed.

"I just..."

"Like being female sometimes. I know." She swirled her hard root beer in the can before downing the last of it. "I have to say, you've taken to your newfound genderfluidity well."

"Is that a word?"

"I have had three drinks, and I no longer care." She tossed the can into the trash. It bounced off the rim before settling in amid several others and half a cheese platter that was FOREVER TAINTED. Were they a little young to be drinking? Eh. At least they weren't in public, making fools of themselves.

"Heh. I... think it's mostly because I knew what I was, I just... didn't know there was a word for it?" Both of the strangely-not-sleepy college students found themselves gravitating towards the couch.

"Labels are a funny thing."

"Damn straight. And you don't realize just how much you rely on them until something like this happens. Or you add salt to the coffee." Susan's face twisted into a grimace.

"Please do not speak of the defilement of the sacred black nectar."

"...gotcha." He didn't want to start another slap fight, and she'd dipped into her serious voice. Coffee was _lethally serious_  business when you had two classes before 8 AM. "But, uh... it also helps that everyone around here is so... okay with it." Then again, Elliot was spending a lot of time as a girl. Like... a whole lot...

"We can relate. All of us have our own issues that we're dealing with..." She closed her eyes. "Sarah's still reeling from the revelation of her own sexuality, Ellen's got identity issues, Grace has borderline PTSD and... well, Graceness." Tedd nodded. That really didn't need further explanation, did it? "And I'm still dealing with touch..." She trailed off. Tedd tilted her head to the side. By the time she kicked her brain into gear again, her eyes had opened, and she was staring up at the ceiling. Seconds ticked by. "...Damn you, Freddy Mercury." The outburst was unexpected. And somehow, in Tedd's booze-lubricated brain, two neurons sparked together.

"Somebody to Love?"

"YES. Of all the times for that song to not want to leave my head..." She laughed. Again. A third time, and Tedd was laughing with her. And then she was staring at her, and...

"Happy new year."

"Mm. Happy new year again." Neither said anything for a while. Each seemed lost in their own thoughts, or lack thereof. Susan just wanted to figure out what Tedd was thinking. And Tedd... looked... conflicted. Like there was something to be done, and the path to how was uncertain.

And then she just gave up, leaned in, and planted a wet one right on Susan's lips.

Her groggy synapses struggled to process the sensation. Struggled to process the situation. For a moment, she fought it. It was TEDD. Perv king of Moperville. And - and yet, could she say she was any different? The more introspective she became, the harder it was to say that she wasn't interested in a... broad variety of things, and Tedd was far less obnoxious about those things, and she could actually have sissy slap fights with him about Star Trek and -

And oh damn was that a good kiss.

And...

\--

When she woke up, the first thing she noticed was that someone was pressed against her. Hugging her. There was a spike of panic, followed by a sudden realization. Her OCD was not triggering. The panic was because she expected to panic. Susan thrust a fist in the air in victory - as she realized the second thing. She was topless. NO. No, scratch that, shirtless - her bra was intact. An eye opened. Tedd - now male again - was curled up against her, also sans shirt. She was positive they hadn't... done anything. More than kissing, anyway. The thought turned over and over in her head a few times, and then Tedd yawned, and one eye opened.

"Morning."

"...morning." He winced a little. "Uggggh."

"What?" Oh, shit. Was this the 'what did I do last night' moment? Was this-

"Hangover. Whee." Tedd gave her a thin smile, and then gently bumped foreheads. Susan leaned against him. She had awoken in a two-person puppy pile. A hair more closeness was not going to make any difference. "...you're not gone."

"You thought I would leave?"

"I dunno. Maybe I thought you'd have slid out and gone for your shirt or something."

"...where is it, anyway?"

"I..." Tedd started to say something. Glanced around. Squinted. "Have no idea." A beat passed. Two. They realized that, yes, they would have to get up to look. And unspoken, they separated and started peering around the basement. More precious seconds passed.

"I could get used to that, you know." Susan mused as she looked behind the couch - nope, no such luck. She remembered MOST of the night just fine, but it got a little foggy between the drinks and fatigue well after the kissing had started.

"...waking up next to me?" Tedd quipped. His tone was on that careful edge where a body could consider it a joke or not. Susan did not reject the comment immediately. That was enough to trigger a blush.

"Yeah." She stood up. "Or just... being with you. Evidently I'm comfortable enough that I don't immediately spaz after direct contact, so that's a plus. We... get each other."

"Mostly." Tedd agreed. There were still rough spots, bits of unspoken peculiarity, but they both seemed okay with those.

"And, god help me for saying this, but... you have an adorable hind end."

"Hind end?" Tedd pouted. "That is no hind end. That is, at the very most, a tushie." He waggled his rear at her briefly, and her eyes hooded.

"That is a technical term, then."

"Oh, totally. butt, tushie, ass, booty, rump, badonkadonk, baDOOOONKadonk, hind end - there's a vast spectrum there."

"You haven't brought out the charts. I'm amazed at your restraint."

"I'm not my dad, Susan." Both snickered at that. She shook her head.

"Well, my top seems to have evaporated, so... I'm raiding the wardrobe." It paid to have backup thrift store clothes on hand. All laundered, of course. Tedd shrugged.

"Okay. Grab me a shirt while you're in there?"

"Uh huh."

"Soooo..."

"So?"

"We're..." Tedd searched for the word. Susan came out a second later with a Toronto Maple Leafs jersey (of all things) and threw Tedd a promotional shirt from the video store.

"We're?"

"Are we going to do this?" He pulled the shirt on. "I can be a moody jerk sometimes."

"So can I." She shrugged. "You pull me out of my angst, I pull you out of your brooding. We work well that way." She pulled him into a sidelong hug. "Do you want to do this?"

"...yeah. Yeah, I do." He hugged her back. "I feel like this requires some kind of celebration."

"We celebrated enough last night... The hangover's hitting me, too, and I am now... in dire need of a bacon-and-egg sandwich."

"Wafflehaus?"

"Wafflehaus." She nodded. Unaware that every one of their friends was already converging on the hash house in a similar state.

And unaware that she had no fewer than three highly conspicuous hickeys on her neck. 


	12. Coincidence, pt 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A brief follow-up to the Coincidence storyline. This was actually the first part I had written, but I promptly lost it.

"Is Elliot upstairs?" Mr. Dunkel took a tenth of a second to look up from the newspaper. His expression didn't change for another second after that. Tedd Verres was there. That wasn't surprising, he'd heard his all-too familiar voice at the door with Ellen. 

The skirt, now that was surprising. 

"I think he is. Looking sharp there, Tedd."

"Uh... thanks." The boy - girl, rather - fidgeted in place, having a hard time meeting their eyes. His wife was almost beaming. 

"Is it still 'Tedd' then? Or will the new look have a new name to go with it?"

"I... haven't decided yet." She sounded hesitant. "But for now just 'Tedd' is going to be fine. I don't want to overcomplicate things."

"Well, good on you. Tell Elliot that dinner's going to be a little late when you go up, would you? And - remind me again, do you like tamales?"

"Love `em. Thanks, Mister Dunkel!" And up the stairs she went like a shot, as if trying to run from the misasma of awkwardness she was generating. Both adults watched her scamper upstairs. Neither said anything until they heard the door click. 

"So..." Mrs. Dunkel nudged her husband. "That... was Tedd Verres."

"Yes, dear."

"In public as a girl."

"Yes, dear."

"You know what that means?" His lips drew into a line for a moment, before he reached for his wallet, pulling out a five dollar bill.

"Double or nothing?"

"...on what?"

"Whether she and Elliot's unspoken attraction will boil over in the next... three months?" She plucked the bill from her husband's hands.

"I don't do sucker bets, honey."

"One of many reasons I fell in love with you, I suppose."


	13. Three More Short Shorts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Three more bits of drabbling from the ashcan. One's a continuation! WHY DO I KEEP USING THE TERM ONE-SHOT WHEN IT NO LONGER IS RELEVANT?

-1. Advertising.-

"HOWDYUUUUKEN?"

"How d'weken? WE KEN PRETTY WELL, here at-"

ANIME STYLE MARTIAL AAAAAARTS!

The words screamed across the screen in seventy-two point font, before Sensei Greg appeared on the screen to roundhouse kick them into oblivion. With an explosion, because clearly the scene required something to blow up.

LEARN!

"Learn martial arts the intuitive way - through mostly unrelated exercises that should never yield the results they do!" Squats with lead turtle shells, and somersaults into a giant tub of ball bearings.

FIGHT!

"Spar against our team of black belts, who probably qualify as living weapons of mass destruction!" A shot of Nanase using her three-color clones against Elliot's beam attack.

BE AWESOME!

A shot of Greg giving a thumbs-up and grinning ear to ear. Evidently he thought no further explanation was needed.

ANIME STYLE MARTIAL ARTS!

"Be there, or be somewhere else!" The commercial blinked to black after a shot of the address and phone number. For a second, all was silence. Greg cleared his throat. 

"Soooo..."

"Nope." Nanase shook her head. 

"Aw, come on! I thought it was awesome!"

"I'm... wondering how much it cost to make this, really." Justin mumbled.

"A practical concern." Greg crossed his arms. "But your master is wise in the ways of marketing. I hired a few students at the JC to get it done for me." A few seconds passed.

"For... how much?" Justin pressed.

"Oh. Just about a hundred bucks."

"Okay. And the advertising budget was..."

"Also a hundred bucks." Justin blinked. 

"Then how are you going to get the spot on TV?"

"There's this wonderful thing called YouTube which people watch instead of TV now-"

-2. 3:17 AM-  
Grace's hands folded across Sarah's midsection, pulling her into a hug, and stopping the latter from slipping out. 

"...you're leaving?"

"I, uh... I was just... uh..." Sarah glanced back at Tedd. He was out like a light. She supposed it was inevitable that she had to wake SOMEONE up when she slid out from the couch - they were just packed on there too snugly. 

"You weeeere?" Grace prodded.

"I just... realized we were... kind of, uh..." She glanced down. Then back up to the top of the basement steps. The door was ajar. Mister Verres could have seen them all like-

"It's not like we haven't nodded off like this before."

"Yyyyeah, but I was..." She let out a short breath. Grace was just so cute when she was - no, there was no 'when she was'. She was cute, period. She just had to say it. "I was starting to... let my hands... drift."

"Mmh. I know. I wasn't asleep for ALL of it." That sent Sarah's blush ratcheting upwards. She stuttered meaninglessly a second, as Grace successfully pulled her back onto the sofa, now on Grace's lap. "Hey, I didn't ask you to stop, did I?"

"But I was... I mean, I-"

"You squeezed a boob. It's not the end of the world." She shrugged. "I've done weirder in my sleep. C'mon." She snuggled up to Tedd. Sarah snuggled up to her. 

Eyes closed. And all was quiet again.

-3. Date Night-  
"So." Mister Verres held the ice pack to his eye, glasses set aside. Tedd leaned across the counter, frowning. "It was fine at first. I mean, as fine as an impromptu call can get. A diplomatic disagreement between a certain alien and a certain other alien."

"Neither Uryom?"

"Nope. Just because they're the most common on Earth doesn't mean they're the only ones." He sighed. "So it all seems calm on the surface, and I get them to calm down and get to an agreement. It was a spectacularly mundane argument, making it even more frustrating that I can't DISCUSS it."

"Right."

"And then when all's well, one of them makes a drink order, and gets a fist to the face. Two seconds later, we're all fighting, and I'm trying to get them separated... and it all happens because the word 'Budweiser' sounds like a slur in one of their native languages."

"...wow."

"And so I spent all evening trying to get THAT swept under the rug, found out that my date - while understanding - had already gone home, and woke you up when I finally got in. So. Not great all over." The silence stretched on as he slumped against the counter, and Tedd's eyebrows raised.

"...you were on a date?"

"Uh." For the first time in recent memory, he wasn't sure what to say. He cleared his throat. Tedd stared at him blankly. The older man was trying not to look incredibly uncomfortable. And yet... Tedd sat next to him. Leaned in.

"So... tell me about her?"


End file.
